He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. Put her in an elderly home already! For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. Elderly people often lose the capacity to properly care for themselves, and if she was already mentally ill, or even eccentric, Im sure the issue is exacerbated. He's not perfect but no one is. Could you be transferring aggression? That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. But realistically, it sounds like it was just that you lived separately and helped her out less? Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. Shes the one who asked whether she was wrong for asking her husband to break his promise to care for his mother after they are done needing her free place to live in, and, sorry, but the answer is yeah. . My mom put whiskey on my gums. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. I get that living there is hard for you. He talks to his mom about it. My husband blames him for being an absent dad. What changed all of a sudden? I feel like we need to try harder to see all sides here. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. But because of that I would never move in with either of my parents for free rent either. June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. June 18, 2015, 9:44 am. Its not easy, but its necessary. June 18, 2015, 9:45 am. Not true. These were her decisions to make. Sell my house Quickly; SELL YOUR HOME FAST; i hate my husband because of his mother. And some of your concerns being naked? June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. However, its just for a short while. Like other things in life, it has its problems. Research on narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy. Dear Wendy If she does in fact have mental health issues, whether or not they are consequent to the stroke, they should be assessed and addressed appropriately, but that doesnt excuse her demanding and entitled behaviour either. 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. New activities offer a change of environment, which in itself can make you feel closer to your partner. . She never lets him get discouraged. And I still think the LW is being a jerk. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. Shes not capable of it, nor is it morally right to leave someone high and dry just because you cant do it yourself. You fight over the most trivial thing and give no room for mistakes. makes you sound super petty and ridiculous. The honey thing? Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. If you listen to more of these unpleasant experiences or witness them, it may affect your perception of a healthy marriage. I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. When my husband was two, she gave him weed to try to get him to go to sleep, and saw nothing wrong with being naked around him and allowing other females to be naked around him clear up to his teen years. Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. Do I hope that he still makes time for me and does what he can to help in my hour of need? When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? How did you get them?? 4. Her husband had cheated and understandably so, the wife was filled with rage and feelings of hatred. The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. She didnt know what she was signing up for. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or "helpful" demeanor. Wheres your compassion for that? It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. . You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. But she married her husband and he comes with her mother. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. And honestly maybe not have a baby when you cant afford a place to live? Do what you can to make it easier for all of you, help out, and chill. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. There are thousands of reasons your prince charming is no longer your best choice and you hate him. So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. 2. (Right?) Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Now Im not reeling from yesterdays letter (I didnt have time) but as far as entitlement goes its one thing to think youve made an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved, its another to realize youve signed on to be the tenet and care-taker for the landlord from hell for the next few decades. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. Free housing! But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. It makes sense for the letter writer not to delay graduation or accumulate debt or dip into savings during a temporary situation if they were ultimately planning on living with the MIL, anyway. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. I Hate My Husband For Cheating on Me - Tips and Advice That May Help. Seriously. Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. . Strange, right? She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. Now If they moved in because he chooses not work right now and they thought it would be easy to just have a free place to crash and that the MIL would be an, easy convenient baby sitter for their kids, then that is something else. These people, who dont seem to give a shit about aging, ailing parents, are the worst! Slooooow clap for Wendy!!! And even my husband loves having her nearby. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. We pay the majority of the bills, take care of the house, provide the groceries, and drive her to and from her appointments. He doesn't work on the relationship. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. The husband is a coward for not making his wife and kids a priority and the MIL is a mentally ill selfish bitch for expecting everyones life to stop and care for her 24/7. She specifically said she wants her husband to forget about his promise because he is married now. It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. , RedRoverRedRover Does he mean that he *must* live with her? Some of the over the top descriptions (impaled from a knife on the counter?!? Doing things together offer couples opportunities to enjoy each others company and finding loving ways to complete tasks together. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? Maybe because he stopped making an effort to look great. Speaking of whichwho among you plans to hold your adult child to a promise made when they were younger and living a different situation? But the mother sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? Duplex is a great idea. I think this letter writer is giving off the impression of being a bit self-centered and entitled and it might be helpful to point this out to her. If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. Telling someone shes a bad person isnt likely to make her take the advice, but reframing the message i in a kinder (but equally blunt) way would make her more likely to take heed. Its easy to shift blame to others. Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. Same advice as to what she should do, but different tone. Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. Yes she had a free place to live, but how free was it considering they payed the bills, bought the groceries and more. June 18, 2015, 11:21 am. Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. Dear Wendy When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). The thing is if she wasnt happy she should have moved out. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. You can completely remove all of the details of the living situation from this letter and theres one thing that still sticks out to me. Ridiculous. )and its very different. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. My story : . It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. It could be taking her to get her hair done, helping her clean up after her dog, doing yard work for her, etc. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. The message would be the same, but the approach could be a lot different. My apologies for my careless reading and commenting. * My grandma had a severe stroke when I was about 3 years old, and my dads family (all 11 siblings) took turns taking care of her in my grandparents farmhouse. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. I think there is room for a grain of salt here in how we judge the LW. Im with Wendy. Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. Hes feeding her a line. But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. Probably not the last. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. Overall, I feel for you. He needs to adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). In essence, you can hate something or someone you love from time to time when things dont go your way. I have a feeling your tune would be very different. For a few weeks or months. It ended up being the best thing for her. From your original comment I wouldnt have known. June 18, 2015, 10:36 am. Well how nice of you to presume to know that about me. what were you doing on the counter?) . My Sisters and I Are Fighting Over My (Living) Mothers Money. 2. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. June 18, 2015, 9:56 am. What do I mean? It doesnt matter if you say, I hate living with my husband. It wont change anything unless you let him know your feelings. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. Wendy, I think your column was great advice for this letter writer. If your husband treats you formally and forgets to enjoy your union, you may start hating him. I find myself, however, drowning in internal protestations of "I deserve to be treated better.". We don't see mil very often for many reasons. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. Thats her fault not the MILs. Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. Even life is full of ups and downs. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. Possibly. When you approach this you HAVE to have some empathy. I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. Check the following practical methods when you dont know what to do when you dislike the man youve married: An excellent way to evaluate the situation is to start asking the questions like, Why am I starting to hate my husband?. And not because of some grandiose moral notion of kindness, but because not being able to access that compassion makes every single moment of the process strained, draining, and just all around awful for yourself and everyone involved. 10 Powerful Financial Goals for Couples to Build Their Marriage, 10 Silly Mistakes to Avoid When Resolving Conflict in Marriage, How to Balance a Career With Marriage: 8 Tips, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, According to Zodiac Signs: the 3 Best Women to Marry, How To Connect With A Man On An Emotional Level, The Role of Romance in a Relationship and its Importance, How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. Im really curious how this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her. I told him two weeks ago I don't love him and I just can't stand him. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. LW, presumably your husband was fulfilling his promise sufficiently to take care of his mother before you all moved in with her so what steps can you take to get back to that status quo? . However, it doesnt always work like that. Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. . What Lies Do to a Marriage? For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. Yeah, this is pretty horrible. Here we were deep cleaning her house, since she let it get really nasty, just so we can live there with my 8-year-old daughter (from a previous relationship), and shes picking arguments with us almost daily for six months. And I would assume husband had an OK upbringing, hence the promise to always look after mother. Of course people are going to judge. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. You probably hate him because he is flawed. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. It will complicate your marriage more. The challenge to my marriage. TaraMonster something random No matter how busy life is, spouses should dedicate time to each other. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. You are now together, and you tend to lose the spark you had when dating. Nope, sorry dont buy it. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. 7. Mike tries to be easygoing but she's a champion button pusher. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. The womans her MIL. They are dependent on him or her and should, and hopefully will, always be their parents' first priority. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? She definitely needs to be called on that. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. Also, imagine telling a grandmother that she wont be able to take care of the baby, basically telling her that she is useless. June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki Have some compassion and dont treat people like inconveniences when they are helping you out financially. Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. Sunshine Brite But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. For whatever that is worth. 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